If You Don't Know Me By Now
by Hidge
Summary: Since the almost wedding, April and Jackson have believed that nothing else matters because they love each other. However, it takes a lot more than love to make a marriage work. Set after 10x20 - "Go It Alone". Please R&R!


**A/N: So, like many others, I've decided to write something about the current argument that April and Jackson are having, which is so complex that I honestly don't even think I can do it justice. But I am going to try. I will warn you though that this story will be very different from what I usually write so be prepared.**

**This fic is named after the Simply Red song by the same name. Give it a listen! Enjoy! :)**

**Disclaimer: Same as always.**

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Jackson knocked on Callie and Arizona's front door with determination. It was a Sunday, so they weren't scheduled to work, and he knew that this was the first place April would have gone after leaving their apartment.

Callie answered the door and offered him a timid smile. "Hey Jackson."

"Is my wife here?" He asked in a thick voice.

Callie nodded as she pulled the door open wider so that he could step into their house. "What's going on?" She asked curiously.

Jackson ignored her question and asked instead, "Where is she? Can I talk to her?"

"She's in the kitchen," the Latina woman replied slowly, "baking cookies with the girls."

Jackson couldn't help but smile to himself as he followed Callie towards the kitchen. Arizona was sitting at the kitchen table feeding little Bailey Shepherd while April stood by the sink, mixing a batch of cookie dough with Sofia and Zola standing on either side of her, a little girl occasionally tugging on her pant leg. She looked good like this, Jackson thought to himself, domestic and surrounded by children. Really good.

"Have some now?" Zola asked eagerly.

"Not yet," April giggled.

"A little wouldn't hurt," Jackson called hoping to elicit a smile from the red-head.

April spun around upon hearing the familiar voice but she was still surprised to see him. She didn't think that he would chase her. She handed Zola and Sofia each a small spoonful of cookie dough before she brushed her hands off on a dishtowel and stepped closer to her husband. "What do you want?" She asked quietly.

"To talk," he answered as he slipped his hands into the pockets of his jeans. "Wanna go for a walk?"

She nodded hesitantly before she followed him out the door...after she had given Arizona a reassuring smile telling her that she was okay with this.

"I thought you wanted space," she spoke once they started to walk down the sidewalk and away from the happy home. She had left their apartment this morning because Jackson had suggested that they should take some time apart to think. She had only left because she thought that's what he wanted, and because she didn't want to say anymore mean things.

"Yeah, space isn't working out so well for me," he answered honestly. All that he had done since she had left was pace the living room mindlessly. He had tried to convince himself that time apart would be best, especially since he had had to listen to her cry herself to sleep last night. He had always been the guy to comfort her and now he was the guy who made her cry, and he hated that. "Are you coming home tonight?"

"Not sure," she whispered.

He stopped walking and reached for her hand. "I don't want to sleep in our bed alone," he confessed.

"It hasn't been _our _bed for that long," she tried to reason.

He tried not to show how hurt he was by that statement. Clearly she still didn't feel as if his apartment was her home too. "I think we need to sit and talk. We just need to sit and talk about this and try to understand each other. Let's go home and talk," he proposed hopefully.

She bit back a scoff. Try to understand each other? He didn't want to understand this part of her, this thing that defined her. He just wanted to ignore it and try to live happily ever after without ever talking about religion or faith or God. "You think I'm ridiculous," April spoke shakily.

Jackson shook his head as he gritted his teeth. "No, I never said that. I have a very long list of things that I think you are but ridiculous is not one of them. I think that you're kind and beautiful and brilliant. You're stubborn, and strong, and hard-working, and—"

"Stop it," she demanded in a whisper. "Just stop." If he thought that what she believed in was ridiculous then he thought that she was ridiculous, there was no other way to spin that. He didn't believe in anything so he couldn't possibly understand her.

He had shouted at her that God wasn't real.

Jackson swallowed harshly as he looked at her. He hated when she went quiet like that, just like last night. When she was yelling it meant that she was still invested in the argument. When her eyes were wild and she made big gestures it meant that she was willing to yell at him until she got rid of all of her anger, until they arrived at a solution or a compromise. But when her voice got quiet and she stilled...well that meant that she had given up. The quiet was ten times worse than the yelling. He wished that she would yell at him a bit more right now.

He had always heard that the first marital fight was the worst, but he hadn't envisioned something like this. A part of him had hoped that their little arguments about dirty cereal bowls, expensive coffee and lost keys would count as their first fight. He had been grossly mistaken.

And that is precisely why he had avoided this topic of religion for so long. He had always known that as soon as they really started to talk about it, it would lead to a gigantic fight and she would get upset, and he hated seeing her upset. Religion was important to her, but it really wasn't to him and he had finally said so, and her religion had almost completely ruined their relationship. How was he supposed to feel about that? He hadn't been raised in a church, he hadn't been taught about any kind of faith other than healing, and his encounters with religion since meeting April Kepner had been consistently negative. How was he supposed to believe in something that he couldn't see? It wasn't in his DNA. He didn't see the world the same way that she did. She saw all of the good, and he didn't.

But that was one of the reasons why he loved her. He just didn't know how to explain that to her.

And he never wanted her to feel as if she was being dismissed, ignored, judged, or tolerated, and he wasn't doing a very good job of explaining that to her either. She was everything to him, but she didn't see that.

But how could she not? After all they had been through.

"April," he spoke sadly as he reached for her hand. "I love you."

She played with his fingers for a moment before she dropped his hand like a dead weight. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes again. "I know you love me," she swallowed. "But you don't understand me. You don't get why this is so important to me."

"But I understand so many other things about you," he argued as he placed both of his hands on her shoulders. "I can try to understand this too...I can..." He stopped talking and swallowed as he observed the look on her face. She didn't believe him. He kissed her instead of speaking again. Words had never been his strong point anyway. He slipped one hand upwards to cup her jaw so that he could coax her mouth open. She didn't respond to him right away so he gripped her waist desperately and pulled her bottom lip between his teeth. "Please, April," he begged. "You're my wife and I want to really know you, and I love you. Just kiss me back," he croaked.

She shook her head and pushed on his chest. "I can't, Jackson," she replied regretfully. "I just need some room to breathe." She slipped out of his reach and started to head back towards Callie and Arizona's place. "I'm going to go back."

Jackson groaned in frustration before he shouted. "I'm sorry! Is that what you want me to say? Will that get you to come home?"

She spun around on her heel and stared at him in disbelief. "I only want you to apologize if you mean it!"

"I'm sorry for snapping at you and I'm sorry for hurting you but I'm not sorry for what I said," he told her truthfully. What he had said last night was how he really felt. He could definitely have told her about it in a better way, a less insensitive way, but it was still the truth.

She sighed sadly, "I know." She knew that Jackson had been hiding his atheism from her for quite some time and now all of his thoughts and opinions were out in the open. She had always known that she and Jackson would disagree on some level when it came to Christianity, she had just always tried to tell herself that it wouldn't be _that_ bad. That whatever happened they could get through it together because they loved each other and wanted to spend every day together for the rest of their lives.

Now she wasn't so sure.

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**A/N: Please leave a review!**

**Next chapter: More chat and April decides to express her apologies.**


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